the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
