you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
