oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I could fuck to npr.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
