I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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