its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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