My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
