the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
