She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
