she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
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I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
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