Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
