all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The air taste purple.
Randomize
