I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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