you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
