I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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