I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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