Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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