just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
