There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
