i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
