new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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