okay pat passed out under dana's car
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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