If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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