Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
