I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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