Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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