Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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