I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
