i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
