At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
