It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
