I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
