I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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