either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
