Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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