I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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