Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I cockslap morals
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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