I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
i think my cat just said my name.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
