woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
