I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We have started to decorate penises.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
