They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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