The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
