his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
