speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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