I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
