I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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