so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
