My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
