fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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