Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
