He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
