I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
