Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
