I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
