I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
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