and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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