I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
