3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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